As my days become numbered

I tried to film this but there is a huge delay between what I say and the movements. I recorded two times, and had the same problem. Not sure what’s up.

This post is about the weird mix of feelings I’m experiencing as my flight approaches. Since I haven’t updated my blog with this news: I’ve decided to go home on May 7th. The logistics involved in staying here and preparing for Madagascar makes it too expensive. Lessons learned:

1. Schedule flight 1-2 weeks out, even if you have no plans
2. Try to do as much as possible for your second program in the States – I tried to do this but I forgot a few forms that could’ve been signed in advance

As I’ve realized that my time here in Toulouse is going to end, I’ve started to feel really pressed, in an almost claustrophobic sense. I feel stir-crazy and yet I want to stay here in Toulouse. I’m caught between being scared of not seeing the rest of the world, and wondering what’ve missed out on back home. I’m looking forward to seeing my real family, and dreading having to leave this family here. I had a dream the other night that I arrived in Cincinnati and when I tried to faire les bises with my mom, it was an awkward moment… like a reverse arrival to France. Still not sure how that’ll work out. I’ve learned to love to faire les bises. It avoids hugging which I find awkward sometimes because it goes on too long…and you don’t want to push away because thats rude. Any who…

That wasn’t really what I wanted to talk about. I’m feeling very uncertain about everything. My plans for grad school, the possibility of working and traveling, what to do once I start my courses back up on campus…when I have to be on campus for an extended period of time… graduating. What to do afterward. Lots of things that have nothing to do with me in this moment, but for some reason are distracting me.

I’m worried about forgetting my French. I’m worried about not getting back to Toulouse. Will I want to come back? I know Toulouse, shouldn’t I want to see the rest of the world?

I have a lot of homework to do, and I’m not able to focus on it because of all these other feelings and thoughts. While there is nothing I can do, I find them, distracting and stressful.